25. The Charisma, Uniqueness, Nerve, and Talent Monologues.

     As the good homosexual I am, I follow The Agenda, and I watch RuPaul's Drag Race…. And by The Agenda, I mean The Gay Agenda; otherwise, we get points on our card and risk to have it taken away - it's a joke, of course. 

The most recent challenge that the Queens had was writing a monologue based on a given prompt, and to perform it on the main stage. This gave me the idea to create my own (short) monologues with the same prompts of each Queen. Here they are. Enjoy!

                        Learned the Hard Way.

If I remember correctly, it was my sophomore year in high school when this event occurred. For some (probably dumb) reason, I was mad at this one girl; I do remember I had let her borrow a couple of CDs and she had also taken my hat. I know that wasn't the reason for what I'm going to tell you I did next. I think she was talking shit about me behind my back, and I was not going to let that fly. So, I called her house and went off on her. Unfortunately, she was named after her mother, so when I asked to speak to (let's call her) Maria, the mother came to the phone and heard everything that I meant for her daughter. The last thing I added was to give my shit back, or I would 'unalive' her which I meant just as an expression; obviously I was not going to do that. 

The next day at school I was pulled out of class and taken into the principal's office where Maria's parents, my mom, and the police officer. The principal explained the seriousness of the situation, but the interpreter (for my mom) also vouched for me since she had met me in the ESL class, I had taken the year before, and she had the feeling I did not meant the threat that came out of my mouth. It was probably in the heat of the moment, she said.

Because the situation happened outside of school property, the only thing they could do was suspend me. Whether Maria's parents wanted to press charges outside of school, it was their own decision to make. Thankfully they understood I was just being a stupid kid and were okay with my suspension as a punishment.

Since then, I have to slow down before my mind goes crazy and blurts what can get me in trouble.

                             Ghost.

I was raised by my grandmother and all she ever wanted for me was to be successful, I guess. She did everything she could to provide my basic needs and education. I did as much as I could with what I had during the years into adulthood. She passed away in 2011, I never came out to her, and I didn't get a college degree. I have my basic needs covered and I am happy, yet I still wondered if this is enough for her. I want to ask if her efforts were worth for who I am now; I want to believe she'll be happy for me. I want to believe she is proud of me. These unknown answers haunt me, but I know someday I will meet her in the afterlife, and she'll be able to tell me.

                               Obsessed.

When I was… I don’t know how old, but I was in my early teens, when I discovered Linkin Park. I was in Mexico and my friend let me borrow his CD which was an original and it had the booklet with the lyrics! I copied the lyrics into my notebook so I could learn them and sing along even though I had no idea of what they were saying. I was taken aback by their sound and voice; it was different from what I was listening to at the time. I did ask my English teacher to help me translate a couple of songs, and I was hooked! "Crawling" and" One Step Closer" became my favorite; I identified with them because I was a very dramatic child. And ever since, this band has been in my heart. You have to admit that HYBRID THEORY is a timeless and iconic rock album.

                                 Payback's a bitch.

I guess when I got laid off from a job. However, the reason why I was asked to resign was nothing to do with the feedback that I was given before by a couple of people. When I had one-on-one with coworkers under me, one told me that sometimes I came off condescending when I explained/trained people. Maybe it was karma, who knows! But I ended up at a better paid job and with less responsibilities that I had at that previous one. I don't know, I want to think things happen for a reason - a window opens when a door closes. 

                                   Triggered.

Whenever people talk shit about my mom. Plain and simple. Just do not. 

                                     Lost.

The past few months I have been anxious about the future. What's going to happen to me, to my belongings, to my dogs, after I die? What do I have to show for my existence? What's my legacy? Will people miss me? Is this IT? I'm older and I feel stuck where I'm at in life. Maybe this is my midlife crisis, who knows! But I do know that I am scared. I cannot be the only one with these feelings. Please let me know I am not the only one and I am not crazy!

That's all.

[  ...Relax. Take it Easy. ]